The morning after "A Good Cry"

Last night I was feeling a little out of sorts (see here).  I was finally able to get to sleep, but the entire night, I had dreams of things that made me cry.  Losing things, death, family problems...really odd.

I woke up this morning feeling "weird".  All I want to do is get back to normal...ummm, as normal as I ever am.

Suggestions?

A good cry

You know how sometimes you're just sitting around and you suddenly realize something about yourself, life, whatever?

Well, that happened to me tonight.

I have spent two fantastic days and nights with my wonderful nieces (6 & 4).  We went to the Park, watched movies and just had some plain old fun.  My sister picked them up this morning.

I spent the rest of the day catching up on little things I needed to do.  Mostly working on my computer.  When I took a moment and stopped, I realized how quiet the house was.  They only stayed two nights, but they made this house full of life.

I've been staying here, alone, in my new house for the past 11 months...what suddenly happened to make it feel so lonely in here?  A loneliness I've never felt here before.

Well, I ignored the loneliness and kept on working and then caught up on some shows on my PVR.  I got up at some point for food.  I noticed the girls' breakfast bowls on the counter and was suddenly overcome with sadness.

I started crying and to be honest...I just DON'T!...EVER!!  I hate crying, it always makes me feel weak.  Yes, I know, I shouldn't feel that way.  But for some reason, I do. 

This time, I couldn't stop.  I wasn't crying because my nieces were at their house, although I do miss them.  I was crying for everything that will never be for me.

Let's face it.  I'm 38 years old and single.  There is little to no chance of my ever having a child in my life to fill in the emptiness I'm currently feeling.  It's like all of a sudden, I realized this fact.  It's odd because I've talked about how I won't have children, multiple times to multiple people. I thought I had already come to terms with that...GUESS NOT!!

So many "What ifs" have been going through my mind...but what good are "what ifs" anyway?  They only make things worse.  I just want it to stop.

Now I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me a little bit...time will tell 

Julie / @Flip_4

Apologies

Well, looks like I've been away from this blog for a while now.  I've had the best of intentions of keeping it updated as often as possible, but it seems that I keep "forgetting" to do so.  Maybe it's because I'm too busy, or maybe I'm just plain lazy.

In any case, I'd like to apologize for my absence.

This time, I will not make any promises when it comes to the number of times I will update this blog.  It will be updated whenever I have something interesting to say....at least something *I* think is interesting. :)  It's your call whether or not you agree.

In the coming weeks, I'll post about a few different topics such as, myfamily trip to Disney, my job status (hopefully I'll find out soon), and whatever else suits my fancy.

Hope you'll all read and comment...positive or negative comments ;)

Well, that's enough of that.

Have a good day!!  :)

Julie / @Flip_4

Roller Coaster of Life

I’m really not a big fan of roller coasters and have spent most of my life avoiding them to the best of my abilities, with a few exceptions along the way.  

Life, on the other hand, has decided to send me on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life to this point, including one of the biggest drops I’ve ever experienced.

The drop? On Monday, February 13^th 2012, my grandmother passed away of a massive heart attack.  She was healthy for a 90 year old and this was certainly unexpected.  She was happy up until the end and that helps to deal with the whole situation.

This is the first time I’ve experienced the loss of someone so close to me and it’s been devastating.  My wonderful friends and family have been a great support and help throughout the process and for that I am truly grateful.  Being there for my father during this horrible time has helped with perspective.

Something very unexpected has come along to help in the process.  It comes in the form of things that happened to or around me in the days prior and the days following my grandmother’s death.  That is where the upward climbs in the roller coaster ride happen.

Most of you know that Chris Phillips is my favourite Ottawa Senators player and has been for a very long time.  Some of you might even be sick of me when it comes to that.

Chris played in his 1000^th game on February 9^th, 2012.  A game in which he not only scored a goal, but he scored 2 goals.  His FIRST two goals of the season.  This sent me on an unimaginable high as a fan of his, and quite frankly, I turned into a teenager while celebrating the goals. The Sens won that game, but that’s no surprise to Sens fans as the Sens seem to win more often than not when Phillips scores.

I didn’t think anything could top that, and then I got a call from my favourite PA Announcer, Stuntman Stu, on the morning of February 10^th, 2012 telling me that I was invited to meet Chris at the unveiling of a mural the Ottawa Senators put up in his honour on the concourse.  I was able to get Chris to sign a picture I had taken the night before during his 1000^th game, and also get a picture taken with him.  Did I say anything to him?  Nope.  That doesn’t matter though because it was one of the happiest, proudest moments for me as a Sens fan.

The next day was a game played in Chris’ honour where players wore jerseys with his name on it during the warm up, his teammates and team gave him gifts and he was able to thank his friends, family and fans for the support.  The Sens weren’t able to repeat the previous game’s performance and lost, but it was still a special day for me as a Phillips fan.  

I must have taken over 700 pictures between the 3 days.

Unfortunately, on February 13^th, I got the call that my grandma had died and so was plummeted to the bottom of the roller coaster at an astounding speed.  The next few days were the worst of my life.  The Sens were away that week so I didn’t have any hockey games to go to and watching them on TV wasn’t an option for me at that time.

On Monday, February 20^th, all “official” things surrounding my grandmother had been done (funeral on the 17^th of February) What was and is still left over is the grieving process.  I have to learn to deal with not having my grandma around anymore and knowing that I won’t see her again.  One day at a time.

That day, the Ottawa Senators were playing the Islanders at 1pm.  I sat down and watched the game on TV (which I don’t usually do because I hate watching hockey on tv.  I’ve been spoiled by my season tickets).  I watched as the Ottawa Senators won over the NY Islanders and Chris Phillips scored his 3^rd goal of the season.  WOW…3 goals in 5 games!! Through everything, that made me so very happy.

I went back to work on Wednesday February 22^nd, and noticed an email from someone on the Ottawa Senators Staff sent to me on February 17^th.  I had been chosen to be the season seat holder of the game for that night’s game against the Washington Capitals.  I’d have to be on the big screen and they would say a little something about me and give me a gift.  

I was shocked that I’d be chosen for something like that…and so soon after…I just couldn’t believe it.  I was of course very happy and emailed him back agreeing to be a part of it.  

That night, I was put up on the big screen while Stuntman Stu read a little “blurb” about me.  I showed off my Chris Phillips jersey proudly and the Ottawa Senators gave me a $500 gift certificate to Napoli’s Café.  How amazing is that??  I can’t wait to take my family there for dinner someday very soon.  Apart from having to be on the giant screen, it was really fun.

I returned to my seat and not very long after, Chris Phillips scored his 4^th goal of the season.  How much better could this day get?   I was again turned into a teenager while celebrating the goal.  The Sens won the game of course which made the evening perfect for me.  So awesome!!

No one knows why things happen when the do.  I believe right now though that everything happened perfectly in order to help me deal with the most devastating event of my life.  The loss of my grandmother.  It might sound corny to some, but how else to explain everything falling into place at the exact right moments.

I’m just so thankful for everything.  I don’t know if I truly deserved all the good things that have happened to me recently, but I do know that I will always appreciate it tremendously.   These are two weeks I will never forget…

Je t’aimes Grand-maman!!

EDIT: Tonight, I met Chris and was actually able to talk to him a little.  I'm sure I sounded like a crazy, babbling fan, but it was nice to be able to tell him just how big a fan I am.  More on this on a later post :)  This just adds to the roller coaster and I am so grateful I was able to experience it all.

New Project - My life as I remember it!

In the past couple of days, I have read 2 books that have got me thinking about things.

The first one is "Still Alice" about a woman who finds out she has early onset alzheimer's and has to find a way to live with it.  This book is absolutely fantastic and everyone should read it.

The second book is "From This Moment On", written by Shania Twain about her life.

In the introduction to Shania's book, she wrote about wanting her child to have an accurate account of her life and how that is one of the reasons that fueled her desire to write her book.  Something that he would be able to read knowing it was the truth, instead of getting it from newspapers, magazines that won't generally be correct.

This really got me to thinking about my life.

I am single and have no children.  I have so many experiences and accumulated wisdom that I would love to share with the people I love, but no real way of doing it.

What "Still Alice" taught me is that you just never know when something could happen and you might not be able to share these things anymore.

I want to have a written documented account of my life somewhere.  Something that could be around in my family, since I don't have the children to pass them on to.

There are things I have lived through that not many people know about, but I think could help some people.  Things that have been difficult and might not necessarily be proud of, but have shaped me into the person that I am.

There are also so many fun experiences that I have had that I would love to be able to read about later and remember the "good ol' days".  Things that might make my nieces and nephew realize that "aunty Julie" wasn't just a boring bookworm ;)

Things that I remember about my family and friends as well would make it into this melting pot of stories.

I'm not saying that I am writing a book to be published.  I know that my writing skills are nowhere near the level they need to be for that.  I think all I really want is to leave something that my family can someday read.  A collection of memories and events, that they will enjoy. 

As I was thinking about all of that, I could also talk to my family (grandparents, parents, sisters) and friends to get their perspective on the events.  Write it as I saw it and as they did. 

This is really just something for me that I would someday like to share with the people close to me, and that they could maybe share with their family.

As I said earlier, you just never know when something could happen to you that would prevent you from sharing these memories, advice etc with people in your life. 

Before anyone suggests it, No, I will not do a video account since I hate the camera.  I tend to run away from it except on some very VERY rare occasions where I have been cornered (you know who you are )

I will be sure to share some of the shorter stories on here. :)

Since it is the New Year, I think there is probably no better time to start writing this "autobiography" if you will.

On that note, off to do some writing

Little break

Well, I haven't posted in a bit but it's not because I'm out of ideas. I actually need to take a break for the next couple of weeks, since I will be moving soon.  So much to do and being the procrastinator that I am - I haven't done any of it.  ACK!!!

If anyone wants to come and help me move, I'll be more than happy to welcome you ;)

I will get back once I have finished moving and unpacking.

I do have a lot to talk about like the NKOTBSB show....OMG!!!  It was amazing!!

Ok, Have a good night all.
Don't miss me too much.

Julie / @Flip_4 :)

High School Dances

Do you remember going to your first dance?  It could have been back in Junior High or High School.  Do you remember your first slow dance?

I was discussing this with a friend the other day.  I remember going to dances in Junior High and all the boys would be on one side and the girls on the other.  The only time they would mingle was for slow dances. They were usually held in the cafeteria or the gym at my school.

I can't remember my first slow dance in Junior High, but there is one dance that I am pretty sure I will never forget.  It was in High School and I had a "crush" on this one cute boy at school.  He was a friend of mine, but I had never admitted the "crush" to him.  Of course, in 9th grade, just how good are you at hiding these things anyway?:

A song came on and he came over and asked me to dance.  I'm pretty sure he was convinced by our mutual friends, but who cares really.  The song?  "Love Bites" by Def Leppard.  How happy was I to be dancing with my crush that day?  I couldn't believe I was actually dancing with him, and I was in heaven for the rest of the night...and then some.

To this day, whenever I hear the song, I remember that boy.  Yes, I do remember his name, but that's going to remain my secret. ;)

Tell me about your first slow dance, or just your most memorable one.

Off I go now to listen to Love Bites.

Julie / @Flip_4