Friday, July 6, 2012

A good cry

You know how sometimes you're just sitting around and you suddenly realize something about yourself, life, whatever?

Well, that happened to me tonight.

I have spent two fantastic days and nights with my wonderful nieces (6 & 4).  We went to the Park, watched movies and just had some plain old fun.  My sister picked them up this morning.

I spent the rest of the day catching up on little things I needed to do.  Mostly working on my computer.  When I took a moment and stopped, I realized how quiet the house was.  They only stayed two nights, but they made this house full of life.

I've been staying here, alone, in my new house for the past 11 months...what suddenly happened to make it feel so lonely in here?  A loneliness I've never felt here before.

Well, I ignored the loneliness and kept on working and then caught up on some shows on my PVR.  I got up at some point for food.  I noticed the girls' breakfast bowls on the counter and was suddenly overcome with sadness.

I started crying and to be honest...I just DON'T!...EVER!!  I hate crying, it always makes me feel weak.  Yes, I know, I shouldn't feel that way.  But for some reason, I do. 

This time, I couldn't stop.  I wasn't crying because my nieces were at their house, although I do miss them.  I was crying for everything that will never be for me.

Let's face it.  I'm 38 years old and single.  There is little to no chance of my ever having a child in my life to fill in the emptiness I'm currently feeling.  It's like all of a sudden, I realized this fact.  It's odd because I've talked about how I won't have children, multiple times to multiple people. I thought I had already come to terms with that...GUESS NOT!!

So many "What ifs" have been going through my mind...but what good are "what ifs" anyway?  They only make things worse.  I just want it to stop.

Now I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me a little bit...time will tell 

Julie / @Flip_4

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