That’s not what I meant by the question though.
What I did mean is that…I don’t know WHO I am. For many, many years, I've been hiding. Hiding behind excuses, behind fear, behind shyness, behind my weight.
I haven’t known how to act around people or how to be comfortable in new situations. I'm shy and awkward and it makes things difficult.
I know that who I see in the mirror, is not who I am. The real me is somewhere inside, but I’m not sure how to find her. My weight issues are only a small part of it, I am sure of that. I won’t magically be happy if I lose the extra lbs.
I want to be able to see myself and be satisfied that I’m the best me I can be…inside and out.
Yes, I love helping friends and family, volunteering and giving as much as possible to charities. If I had a lot of money – most of it would be given away to deserving people…but that’s only PART of me.
Self confidence? Self-esteem? What’s that? I’m not sure if I’ve ever had it, but I know that whatever I did have was buried down really deep after a certain abusive relationship. For the better part of 20 years, I’ve let that relationship and what I went through define me.
I was driving in the car today and decided that I need to find the “Real” Julie. The one that has energy, loves to have a ton of fun, will stop being so picky and start going on dates for fun. The one who can have a conversation without letting the shyness get in the way. The one who won’t be saying “I can’t” all the damn time!!!
Not sure how I’ll find her. I don’t know what I have to do…but I know I NEED to find her. I’m sure it will be hard but I also know I have a ton of FABULOUS friends who will be helping me along the way.
I hope that once I do find the real Julie, I will finally be satisfied and happy. J
Til next time