Fear of the unknown

These past weeks since September 12th have been long, long, long.

The reason is that we're waiting for results for my Dad to tell us just how bad this cancer is.  The worst part of it all is the fear.

Fear of the unknown.

At least if we knew, we could deal with it.  Currently, all we know is that he has prostate cancer.  We don't know the severity nor the treatment that will be taken.  All we can do is wait until October 4th.

I have to tell you that for me, the waiting is the worse.  It helps to have friends, work and for me, the Jordan Knight concert tomorrow (Oct 3rd)...a blessing in disguise since it will keep me from sitting at home alone the night before the results, just worrying myself silly.

I have felt the fear almost every day when I have just too much time to think.  Today, it was while driving in to work.  The fear was just overwhelming.  I KNOW all the stats, I KNOW that it's the most treatable cancer, but I just can't stop the fear.

As bad as I feel, I can't even imagine how my Mom and Dad are feeling right now.  I've caught some glimpses of it a few times in the past 3 weeks, but I don't think my Dad is really letting us (his daughters) see just how scared he is.  It breaks my heart.

Of course, I try not to show my fear to my parents either, they need to see that I am strong and can handle things if they need to turn to me for support.  I will be there for them no matter what.

I really just want October 4th to get here as quickly as possible.  I want to know what my Dad is facing and how we will deal with it as a family.

I want the fear to go away!!!

Words and emotions Continued - Cancer

About a month ago, the scary word for me was "biopsy".  That has now changed to "cancer".

Yesterday, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  Let's just say that the emotions the past 24 hours have been intense.

I've pretty much run through all stages - shock, panic, fear, anger, sadness.  You name it, I've felt it. I'm probably still under the shock of it, but what I call "Logical Julie" has started to peek through all the emotions after hiding for those 24 hours.

Since we don't have all the details of this cancer, we don't know just how bad it is.  Of course, cancer is never good, but as we all know, there are varying degrees.  We're not going to find out  too much more until my dad goes through more tests.

Then there's the chosen form of treatment to go through.  Either radiation or surgery.at this point.

I have read all the stats, I know that prostate cancer is one of the most treatable cancers and we have no reason to believe my dad will not be one of the survivors.

Now it's a matter of being there and strong for my dad and my mom.  I want my dad to know that I'm there for him any time he needs me.  I want to pass along some of my strength to him and I want him to feel like he can talk to me about anything.

I don't take my parents for granted as they are fantastic, and this just reinforces the appreciation for them even more.

I know I will still have the days where "Logical Julie" will take a vacation day or two, but I am lucky that I have friends and family to help with those times.   I think this will make my family stronger and closer.still.

It's time now for "Crazy Julie" and "Logical Julie" to get some sleep to be sure to be strong when needed.

Dad: Je t'aimes et je suis ici pour toi...toujours.